if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
