would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
