i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
