Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
