Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
