Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
