paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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