Do you still have your period?
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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