I bet he comes in French.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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