He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
it's like heaven, but drunker
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
