That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
