...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
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he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
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I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
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