I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
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he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
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No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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