You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
