I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
