God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Can I color on your dick again?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Randomize
