someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
