it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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