Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Randomize
