he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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