She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
