I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Edward fifth and chaser hands
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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