So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
