I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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