Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
