chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
