a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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