She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
