I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
