the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
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This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
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The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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