Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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