She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
