no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
