My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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