The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
