I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
