A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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