All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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