Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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