I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
