the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
