Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
sarcasm needs its own font
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
