Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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