It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
My pussy is not your playground.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Is Oprah even human
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
