If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
