I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
