it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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