I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
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My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
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As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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