Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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