me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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