i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
