butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
