I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
