i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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