you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
