You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
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So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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