I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
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