I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
